The waiting game seems so long and never ending. The wasted doctor visits, pointless meds, and crossed fingers have gone on for far too long.
After 4 months of misdiagnosis, today, I finally received a diagnosis. It’s not a wonderful diagnosis but to have it is wonderful. I like finite. I like plans in black and white.
My prayer over the last week has been for a diagnosis. I was terrified of more biopsies and tests. I wanted this to be the end of my diagnostic period- not the beginning. I was at the point that I didn’t care what it was- just give me an answer.
I didn’t realize how much emotionally that I had riding on a diagnosis. But after I talked to my doctor on the phone, I couldn’t stop the tears. Tears of anxiety and joy streamed down my face. I had been so “strong” over the last few days. Patiently waiting for the news and not expecting it til next week. Once I finally received it, all emotional bets were off. The waterworks were on.
And then, life seemed brighter. Like I had been viewing the sun with sunglasses on. The diagnosis was me taking off the sunglasses. Everything around me is brighter. More colors, happier and bigger. I want to live more full.
This incident is another reminder to me of how much I take life for granted. I take my health for granted. Oh, I’ll do that eventually. Oh, I’m in good health, I can do that whenever I want. This was a scary/great reminder that life can be short. We have no guarantees, so don’t live like we do. I’m thankful that my issue is minor in the grand scheme of medical issues. My heart goes out to those who go through months and months of tests waiting for answers. It’s such a long and frustrating process.
I’m also grateful for God answering my prayer for diagnosis. Is it a medical issue I want? No way. Is it something that is easily treatable? Yes. Is the medication covered by my insurance? Yes. Are these all things to be grateful for? Yes.
I realize I’m just starting the journey of dealing with this chronic issue but I’m choosing gratitude. I’m going to continue praying that I’ll be successful with treatments and get back to living my normal life. It would be easy to focus on the negative- why me?? Why this? But instead, I’m focusing on gratitude of a diagnosis, excellent healthcare, good insurance, and access to meds.
live & learn, brooke